After eight years of being on antidepressants, it is decidedly tricky business coming off them alone. I’m not quite collapsed in a heap on the floor, but feel that may be where I am headed unless I go to see a counsellor or psychologist soon. I do not think it is so much that I have plunged or am on my way to plunging into depression – more that I am not used to feeling emotional and sensitive again. Eight years is a long time to be in a cloud of neutral feeling toward the majority of things in my life, which is how I believe the medication affected me.

I think it was ill (self-) advised to go off the antidepressants without proper consultation with my doctor and without hooking up with someone – a professional – who could help see me through it and whilst I do not intend to go back on the medication, I am going to look into seeing a psychologist as soon as possible.

As I write this, I am chatting with a friend online and crying. I am in a rut – not taking care of myself: I haven’t showered for days, there is nothing in the house to eat and to top it off, I am physically sick with a bronchial infection and smoking like a chimney. I feel alone and despairing…

Ultimately, I do not think I ever really dealt with having my second psychotic episode. Prior to that I was going to university, studying psychology full time and doing really well. I was not on any medication at all, was physically fit and looked after myself reasonably well. I felt good and positive about the future. But then, I got ill and ‘treatment’ was medication – of course I saw a psychiatrist or two or three along the way, but in my experience they have been nothing more than prescription writers. I have not been in control since 2002 and need to regain it.

So, a plan of action. First thing is to find a good psychologist to work through issues with!

"Anger" by donvito62, from www.deviantart.com

It has been a little while since I last posted, but I am now fully off antidepressants so I thought it apt to write about it. It has been about a fortnight since I took my last pill and I feel as if I am in the process of regaining part of myself or personality. For one thing, I have been experiencing emotions I had forgotten I was capable of, in particular that of ANGER.

Yesterday I went to the charcoal chicken shop to buy myself some lunch and when I commented that the quarter-chicken sitting in the bain marie looked as if it had been sitting there a while and could she cut me another piece, the woman behind the counter refused. So I waved at her and walked out, at which point I heard her comment to her colleague that she was “not going to cut up another chicken for only five dollars”, I yelled back at her from just outside the entrance, “That wasn’t all I was going to spend!!” I felt furious at the lack of service and wanted her to know.

My point is that previously I would have allowed it to slide and probably purchased the chicken anyway, but I now feel unwilling to take crap from anyone. I am not sure if this is a good thing or not, but for some strange reason I am enjoying the energy that comes with it (as long as it doesn’t get out-of-hand). I feel invigorated…

Had a bizarre sort of waking/dreaming experience last night. I think I must have been sleeping for perhaps an hour or so and maybe my cats made some noise that triggered my half-waking, but I lay in bed, on my back hardly breathing as I heard the sound of many people outside my bedroom window and could see lights on in the house. I knew from memory that I had turned all the lights off and it seemed very strange that there would be the sound of people milling outside and I was quite frightened.

I could feel myself fluctuating between going deeper into sleep and waking up, and I fought to bring myself to full alertness, after which I realised that I had been dreaming it with my eyes open. It took some time for my fear to subside and heart rate to return to normal.

Something that occurred to me afterward is to do with psychotic states and the way in which they closely resemble dream states, at least for me, in delusional and hallucinatory content. What if a psychotic state was simply the product of the brain not properly shutting down the dreaming function whilst waking? Does this make sense?

Dreams are naturally bizarre for most people, in content. We dream that we are being attacked, persecuted or chased, and many people have weird sorts of magical experiences whilst sleeping. Perhaps psychosis is like a waking dream insofar as the brain has not recognised that one is in fact, awake. It would be interesting to compare the activity in the brain of one who is psychotic with one who is dreaming. It has probably been done and perhaps there is theory out there that proposes this already…

[UPDATE: fabulous! Just came across a "related article" using Zemanta (see below) that suggests studies have in fact been done to test the relationship between psychosis and dreaming.]

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New links between lucid dreaming and psychosis could revive dream therapy in psychiatry (scienceblog.com)

'Hope For' from PaperFlowers on DeviantArt.com

As per my previous post, What if I Wasn’t Depressed?, I am now into my third week of cutting out the anti-depressants (Efexor XR). Whereas originally I was taking 5 x 75mg capsules, I am now down to three capsules per day and I am feeling positive about it. I have cried twice this morning so far about things in my life, but I think it is a good thing as it means that a) I am starting to FEEL again and b) the medication must be coming out of my system.

I believe that anti-depressants have been deadening me or flatlining my natural propensity for sensitivity to others and the world. Whilst they were necessary for me at the time I went on them as I was deeply depressed during my recovery from a psychotic episode, I think eight years is long enough! I WANT to feel things again and I want to regain some sense of involvement in the world around me and engage with others on a level deeper than the medication allowed me.

So essentially, after another couple of weeks on three capsules, I will reduce to two a day, then a fortnight after I will go down to one, then none… Yay! I have not yet told anyone other than one close friend about the fact that I am doing this, as I do not want to be discouraged at this point. I think I will wait to tell family when I am well off the meds. I will tell my doctor next appointment (at the end of this month) and I am pretty sure she will be supportive.

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Do You Really Need That Antidepressant? (usnews.com)

I got a puppy in November – a pug cross shih tzu – and have been struggling to toilet train her and stop from biting/chewing everthing. I have felt a little out of my league as I have never really had a dog before, only cats.

The reason for this post is that I am a little stoned and feel I just had some insights into how to interact with her in order to stop her from chewing me, my clothes and other undesirable items. I am not recording this because I think I know better than anyone, but because I am stoned and want to remember.

When I go outside to have a break from whatever I am doing, interact with her constantly, patting, playing, whatever, then tell her “no” when she bites chews and stop interacting with her. She is picking this up very quickly.

Also, in toilet training her, bring her inside bit by bit (putting her outside when she is naughty/chewing the rug or whatever) and shut the door to the space so she cannot sneak away and go in another room. Then when she looks like she is wanting to go to toilet, put her outside.

I know this sounds very simple, but I don’t think I have been thoroughly engaged with her since I have had her (mainly due to the fact that I was always around someone else who she played with a lot). I also have another excuse: I have always had cats!

I am going to take myself off anti-depressants. Currently I am on a dose of Efexor XR, 375mg which is higher than the given therapeutic range, but less than I have been on in the past by 75mg. I have been taking this medication daily for approximately six years. So, I have taken one less capsule this morning, making it 300mg and I intend to reduce by one capsule each fortnight until I am not taking any anti-depressants.

Considering my history, I will continue to take anti-psychotic medication (Abilify, 10mg daily) as I do NOT want to have another psychotic episode.

Because, what if? What if I wasn’t depressed? What if by continuing to label myself as such I am perpetuating the existence of this illness within myself? It has certainly been a ready-made excuse for anything that I have not wanted to do. If I did not feel like going to work and took excessive time off, it was “due to depression”, or if I did not feel up to attending a wedding, it was “due to feeling really down”. It has been the reason behind my mother not getting actively into life throughout the years (although she has been much better since I left home) and sleeping a lot of it away. Perhaps if I stop identifying as “depressed” I could regain my sense of self.

Which brings me to a major reason for getting off anti-depressants – that I feel they have altered me somehow, ie. my personality. My sense of humour is different and I don’t feel as “on the ball” as I used to be. My interest in life and the world has changed (although some may say this is due to depression, or to part of the maturation process), and I feel like more of a flat-line kind of being where nothing really impacts me in any significant way. I want to feel, think and see things the way I am naturally predisposed to, however that is. I want to experience life without being overdosed on prescription medication.

Thought this was cute (from www.boltcity.com/copper):

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Antidepressants may change personality, leading to reduced depression, says Penn collaboration (scienceblog.com)

It’s Christmas day and I am home alone. I’ve had a bit to smoke and I’m feeling rather flat.

I have just moved into my grandmother’s house (she is in a nursing home, no longer able to recognise family, remember things or look after herself). The house is huge, compared to anything I’ve lived in after leaving home some 18 years ago.  I just went out into the garden where she used to spend almost all of her days so that it was amazing, and it is now looking somewhat the worse for wear. I feel out of place.

Christmas day. Every year prior to about 2006 the family on Dad’s side would get together for Christmas lunch and my grandma would be there. That was, until my brother became ill with a drug induced mania/psychosis and we spent the period over and including Christmas 2006 looking out for him and finally managing to get him into hospital and treated.

Basic run down of the year 2009 for me, personally:
Broke up with girlfriend
Lost my job
Quit another job
Grandma on Dad’s side went into nursing home
Grandma on Mum’s side passed away

Have I missed anything??

Image courtesy of 'Readings in Humanistic Psychiatry'

Whilst ’schizophrenia’ and ‘bipolar’ are words that are relatively well-known to those with any clue about mental illness, however, the term ‘schizoaffective disorder‘ is not as well known. Increasingly, as I understand it, schizophrenia and bipolar disorders are being thought of as on a spectrum with different clusters of symptoms at various points across the scale. Where ’schizophrenia’ may be at one end of the spectrum, ‘bipolar’ may be at the other. Schizoaffective disorder probably lies somewhere in between the two.

From the ‘Understanding Schizoaffective Disorder’ factsheet (available from the Mental Illness Fellowship Australia website):

Schizoaffective disorder is a disorder in which mood swings similar to those found in bipolar disorder are present together with symptoms of schizophrenia (delusions, hallucinations, disorganised speech, disorganised behaviour and negative symptoms). To be diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, there must also have been a period of at least two weeks of delusions or hallucinations without prominent mood symptoms.

There are two subtypes of schizoaffective disorder:

1. Schizoaffective bipolar type – where symptoms include manic episodes or manic and depressive episodes
2. Schizoaffective depressive type – where the symptoms include depressive episodes only.

Symptoms of schizoaffective disorder may include:

• During a depressive episode, symptoms may include poor appetite, weight loss, insomnia, agitation, general slowing down, loss of energy and loss of interest in usual activities, feelings of worthlessness, guilt, difficulties with concentration, and suicidal thoughts.
• During an episode of mania, symptoms may include an increase in work, social and sexual activity, racing thoughts and talking, inflated self-esteem, grandiosity, reduced need for sleep, and self-destructive behaviours.
• Psychotic symptoms may include delusions, hallucinations, disorganised speech, disorganised behaviour, total immobility, lack of facial expression, and loss of motivation.

Source: Understanding Schizoaffective Disorder, www.mifellowshipaustralia.org.au

During my time seeing psychiatrists, one in particular gave me a choice of diagnoses – either ’schizophrenia’, ‘bipolar disorder’ or ’schizoaffective disorder’. I chose to go with the latter as it seems to make the most sense (if I am to adopt a psychiatric label at all) due to the nature of my symptoms at the time of my episodes. To anyone who is seeing a psychiatrist for treatment of a “mental disorder”, I would highly recommend getting a second opinion from someone without ties to that psychiatrist – as with any sort of ailment, any particular doctor can get it wrong.

The Life You Were Born to Live, by Dan Millman is a numerological book with a difference. The approach is somewhat similar to traditional numerology in that in order to obtain a life path number, one adds together the numbers in a birth date (eg. 5+2+1+9+7+4 = 2+8 = 1), however instead of simply breaking the numbers down into a single digit, Millman leaves the double digits and adds “/”, then the final single digit. In doing so the life path readings in the book go according to a number combination of the two-digit and then the single digit number, eg. 28/1. However, a 28/1 is according to him, a 28/10 as when there is a zero in the combination this means that the life path includes “inner gifts”.

I am blogging about this book as I just loaned it to a friend, having read him parts of his life path according to the book, and he, like the many others I have read to or loaned the book to, responded with a “wow”. Each life path chapter is broken up into sections such as ‘Working the Postive’, ‘Working the Negative’, ‘Health’, ‘Relationships’ and ‘Work’ and gives quite a specific explanation of the particular number combination for those aspects of life.

It is one of my favourite books due to the apparent accuracy with which the system works. I would recommend this book to anyone interested in finding out more about why they are here.

Click here to find out more about this book:
The Life You Were Born to Live.

Image courtesy of Solar Clarity

I had been smoking again and pottering about the house when I thought to myself, “That’s right, I have to return that scanner to my friend”. A second later I heard my phone beep with an sms. It was my friend asking when I was going to return the scanner.

I can also remember a time when I had a laundry outside in a backyard and it was dark one night when I went out there. For some reason I thought to myself, “What if there was a spider on the light switch?” I got myself so worked up about it that I took my lighter out of my pocket and sparked it on to check. Sure enough, there was a large huntsman spider right on top of it!

The reason I am talking about these things is I am beginning to read a book by Rupert Sheldrake about ‘The Sense of Being Stared At’ where he mentions that kind of phenomena and theorises about what he calls, “the extended mind”. I am fascinated about that which is hidden in our world or inaccessible via the present means we have with which to sense things. Sheldrake argues that there is a mind that goes beyond the brain and connects all life. Interesting stuff. Will write more about it when I have finished reading the book.